The side effect of pregnancy is a baby

 I am pretty sure that I felt the baby move for the first time today. I would be referring to the one inutero and not the one currently suffering a rice cake coma. The subtle somersaults of my soon-to-be third child put things into perspective for me. These past 16 weeks, I have been preoccupied with nausea, gagging, gas, constipation and bloating (don't get all offended – if you have intestines, you have at some point in your life experienced such niceties.) I have had sleepless nights filled with multiple trips to the bathroom, headaches, overwhelming exhaustion, aches and pains, water retention and expanding body parts. But, when I feel that little flutter in my stomach I realize that the only side effect in pregnancy that matters is the baby. And, immediately I think – Cheese and Rice! I am going to have three kids! Am I gonna have to get a mini-van?

Don't get me wrong. I realize the tremendous miracle that grows inside of me and how superior women are to men because of this simple fact, but there is a bone I need to pick with my body about this whole baby making thing - the phenom of body memory. This is my third child and because of body memory, my belly button has already “popped.” I am four months pregnant. I don't need to be reminded by my body that this is my third kid. I have two kids and hundreds of pictures of me gray and swollen after hours of hard labor. Why can't my body remember the good 'ole days of my honeymoon with my tight little toosh, zero body fat and track star metabolism? In my twenties, I would get compliments to my navel from complete strangers. Keep in mind that was back in the day when it was cool for only skinny girls to wear midriff tops. (And, yes I just went there). Now my navel looks like a a deflated tail from a balloon animal. Okay, that was a slight exaggeration, but ladies – holla if you hear me! Add to that diastasis of my stomach muscles and my once natural six-pack has become an alienesque cone. My (male, of course) doctor actually told me to remind him to sew them back up should I have a C-section. Okay, Doc. That is the obvious thought of a woman who is having their insides set on a steel table on D-day. I will get right on that.

Yes, I jest. But, in actuality, this has been my best pregnancy thus far as pertaining to rapid body change. I gained 70 pounds with Isabella, wore men's velcro sandals and was affectionately dubbed Krusty the Klown by my brother-in-law. I once polished off a box of Twinkies in under 5 minutes. I was a glutton and a tank. With Madison, I gained 40 pounds and my pelvis separated, which was as painful as it sounds. I was in labor for 24 hours proving to the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life, rendering me crippled and in a wheel chair for quite some time. With baby number three, so far I have gained 4 pounds and am losing hair. But, I can deal with that. And, now that the baby is moving, who cares if I have to get a van? With the help of God, I am making my third child and no matter what happens to me, he or she will be just perfect.