Back to School

Isabella heads back to school next Monday and it won't be in our living room as it has been in the last year. She will be attending a charter school for children with an autism diagnosis and I am both extremely excited and extremely stressed out and anxious. While I always hoped she would go to the best school, I never imagined in a million years it would be the best school for autism. I know I should revel more in the fact that she is so excited; she knows no difference between typical or atypical, but I am still a little sad. I feel like I am partly grieving for the typical first grade year that her cousins and friends will have or already had. We will worry not about school plays or team sports, but focus instead on speech and occupational therapy and individualized behavior plans.

So, why then are we doing it? Why have we decided to send her to an atypical school where we wait for the unknown instead of keeping her at home where she was doing relatively well? The answer is quite complex, really. Homeschooling is a challenge even for a typically developing child, but when you have a daughter who has very specialized learning needs and I am not a trained teacher, it poses obstacles that are hard to overcome. Not to mention therapy is extremely expensive and when I quit my job to care for Isabella (and Madison) I left behind 65K a year, paid insurance,401k and profit sharing. This school environment provides individual therapy 5 days a week. That type of treatment in private atmosphere would cost us more than 500 dollars a week, and that is being moderate.

The other reason is to have her exposed to other children; to learn how to appropriately behave and socialize with children her own age while in a learning or structured environment, as well as at play. It is easy to put a child with autism on a playground where she can focus on a swing and slide over and over again. Yes, she is with children, and yes, they are playing. But, if you watch closely you will notice there is no interaction. You could remove all the people on the playground and it would not impact the type or direction of play in which she is engaged. She WANTS friends, don't get me wrong, she just doesn't quite know how to do it; she is socially awkward, albeit much better than a year ago. The two of us recently took the train to Jacksonville. Trains are a love of Isabella's and this was a gift from Grandma and Grandpa. While on the train we talked about how exciting it was and I was taking pictures so that she could show all of her friends. She quickly replied, "What friends?" How gut wrenching and painfully eye-opening. Hopefully, she will soon develop new friends with this school. I am excited for her that she will develop some relationships outside of our home.

The last reason will seem selfish to some and quite frankly it is to some degree. But, the harsh reality is that I need a break from her. And, she needs a break from me. I would be lying if I said this isn't the hardest job in the world - to be patient and understanding of a six-year old girl who should be capable, who I want desperately to be capable, but isn't. Being high-functioning means that her capability to learn and intelligence are normal. It doesn't mean that she is any less challenged than a low-functioning child. There is a huge misperception there. She is mild on the spectrum and she is only this way because of God's blessing, plus all the extremely hard work that our entire family commits to on a daily basis, including her. And, it is hard. Her expressive and receptive language delays complicate communication. Social cues are missed with her and sensory integration compounds her problematic behavior. She is constantly being redirected and appropriated for her actions and largely disallowed to "misbehave" because she must learn "appropriate" behavior which most of us inherently know. Rare are the instances where she can "just be a kid," because to her it would involve stimming or stacking and those behaviors are largely considered to be "weird" by other people. And, I am always correcting her, often shouting, saying the same things over and over again and they are never processed. It is difficult for her to initiate play by herself and she often needs direction. She doesn't engage in imaginary play and she obsesses on things that I try to discourage. It is so tiring, so emotionally and physically draining. I love my daughter more than life itself, but there are times when I just need to be away from her. And, I know that she needs a break from me.

Nick just called to tell me he was on his way home - the last meeting for parent before school starts. He met her teacher (we will meet her on Friday) and he sounds excited, so that helps wash away some of my insecurities. She will do great, I know it. I think I underestimate her a little. But, I am her mommy and her protector and it is my sole responsibility to make sure she succeeds and I often feel like I am doing everything wrong. Will she hate me for making her go to an "autism school." Will this be the best thing that has ever happened to her? Only time will tell, and by this time next week we will be even closer to answering that question.