For those of you who don't know much about autism, it is a spectrum disorder. There are varying degrees of the way it affects each person who is diagnosed with this disorder. My daughter is mild on the spectrum and high-functioning, meaning she has normal intelligence. Those affected with autism are very literal in the way they interpret things; jokes and puns are often missed and the most basic of abstract concepts like before and after are difficult to grasp. While this is only a very minute glimpse into the many challenges that autistic people must overcome, it is necessary for me to preface the following peak at Isabella's interpretation of things I say to her.
Isabella is incessant; another part of autism that requires a great deal of patience, but I digress. Things that are inherently learned by social interaction for neuro-typically developing children requires a great deal of repetition to become a learned behavior by autistic children. For example, Isabella adores our German Shepherd mix, BeeJay. He is such a gently dog, and from the moment we brought Isabella home from the hospital, he has been her best friend. She tugs on him, she runs with him, she talks to him – they are buddies. However, in the past month or so, she has begun to terrorize him by pulling his tail while he is sleeping, chasing him with baby doll strollers, and cornering him behind furniture. He is visibly scared, but Isabella often can't read social cues (especially in a dog) and she just laughs. I must tell her at least a dozen times a day that it is not nice to be mean to the dog, he is scared, and to leave him alone. For most children, they get that concept and after a few times of pushing the limit with their parents, they finally give in and realize the punishment is not worth it. This is not the case with Isabella.
“If I see you doing that again,[insert disciplinary action].” I often start my reaction to her behavior to the dog, as I do with most problem behaviors, with these words. It is subconscious and to me it implies very basically, stop doing the behavior or you will get in trouble. Most recently, I told her to leave the dog alone, and not five seconds later she was doing it again, only it was behind the kitchen counter where I couldn't see her. Come to think of it, I recall she hides and looks to see if I am coming while she pesters the dog quite a bit. So, I asked her, “Why are you bothering the dog? I just told you to leave him alone.” Her response was very matter of fact, “But, you can't see me.” My first reaction is that she is being sneaky and I am slightly irritated, but then it dawns on me she has only done what I told her to do. “If I see you doing that again...” And, I couldn't see her, so therefore, to her it was okay to keep doing it.
The concept of death and going to heaven or somewhere else when you die is also extremely difficult for her to comprehend. That is difficult to comprehend for a lot of people, but for most of us we understand the idea of Heaven and we have faith to support our belief. My maternal grandmother passed away thirteen years ago, and she was in love with the moon. Isabella developed that same passion for the moon at a very young age, so I have always told her that when she looks at the moon, Great Grandma is looking down at you because she lives with Jesus and they live in Heaven. Explaining Heaven to a young child is very difficult, so this was my way of conveying that to her and I assume that is what she understood.
Recently, my husband was speaking to his grandmother, Isabella's great-grandma. Isabella can hear her voice through the phone, and she is excited; she knows who is on the line. “Is that Great-Grandma?” she asked full of giggles. I tell her yes, and Isabella wants to talk with her. After her conversation with Great Grandma, we tell her she is going to visit Great-Grandma and her excitement grows higher and she says, “We are going to the moon?” Another “A-ha!” moment comes over me, and I explain to her that we are going to New York to visit her other Great Grandma; Great Grandma that lives on the moon is in heaven and she lives with Jesus. Isabella asks, “She died?” Yes, she did, honey. And with that, I think the conversation is over.
Fast forward a week and Isabella and I are discussing George Washington, the topic of discussion for homeschool on Presidents day. I explain he was our first president, he lived a long time ago, and he is on the quarter, so on and so forth. Isabella asks if he died. (She talks about dying a lot, for some reason) Isabella, however, wants to see George Washington (she also asks if he has legs and if he eats food) and I explain that he lives with Jesus. Fast forward again, and now we are discussing President Obama, our current president who lives in WASHINGTON. “Maybe we can go there one day,” she says. I say sure, and she says “We can go to New York.” If you have made the connection, she thinks that George Washington lives in New York because he died and we told her that we are seeing Great-Grandma in New York whom she thinks has died and lives on the moon. So, therefore, she has concluded that people who die go to New York.
In that instant, I realized what a unique way she has at looking at the world. An innocent, no-nonsense, literal translation of everything around her. And, it also dawned on me that I am still using the standard rules of teaching and discipline with my autistic daughter, and those rules do not apply. Not only must she learn things by repetition, so must I. Repeatedly learn to view the world literally and for a left-brained, sarcastic individual, it is a difficult task.
Most days I curse autism and the day-to-day robbing it does of my child's dreams. But, on these days when I have figured out something so very unique to my daughter, I embrace it. She is so sweet; so innocent and what she views with her eyes are opening mine, more and more each day. God, grant me the serenity and patience to accept her autism on more days so that I can help her grow and flourish as You meant her to be.
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