Throwing Stones

Some people get all judgy – judgy because they think they know your story without even asking you. Gone are the days of judging a book by its cover; enter the days where people size you up through a third party’s poorly written, b-rated blog post from their far from accurate, twisted perspective of your story. I’m kind of in a situation like that – with people that are supposed to be close to me. I’m not usually into cryptic writing, but I just have to get this OFF of me.

In my extremely passion-filled HEART I want to shake these people, who for whatever reason, always look for the bad in a person – even if they can’t find it. There are just those who are born with an agenda – trying to make themselves look good by making others (falsely) look bad. In my MIND, I know I should just grin and bear it. But, how long do you let someone fabricate your story for you? I try to tell myself, it doesn’t matter what people think. Or, people MUST see through the smoke.

Bitter and jealous people are just really good at being mean, hiding behind a screen – possibly religion – with satan deeply seeded in their hearts. Maybe what people think doesn't really matter, but words and actions administered through THOUGHTS, cut. They cut deep.

 

It’s hurtful when people single you out by excluding you, or ignore you, don't celebrating your achievements, passive-aggressively telling untruths about you – especially when it is intentional. It is most hurtful when it comes from someone who, only in front of others will say, “I love you.”

 

Who wants to be “loved” like that?

 

 

Stir {Freaking} Crazy

I apparently did a lot of talking in my sleep last night.  Since childhood, rambling in my slumber has been a regular activity of mine.  But, over the past couple of years it has been more of a sporadic thing - probably due to sheer exhaustion from raising three kids.  So, what gives?

Maybe I am trying to compete with Nick's snoring - although there is really no competition there.  Or, maybe it's because I am drinking loads of Nyquil before I go to bed to keep me from coughing up a lung in the middle of the night.  Actually, now that I think about it, I know it is because I am absolutely stir-crazy having been confined to this house for the past week because of sudden viral activity that has permeated the entire family. 

Yep. That is definitely it.  In fact, I have a swarm of random thoughts and bits of information just swirling in my head.  Having only to use my toddler/preschool/kid voice, and sometimes my time-out voice, I have had little opportunity to get it out.  Sometimes you just have to purge the nonsense and thought dingle-berries to make way for the productive, rational and sophisticated thinking, you know what I am saying?  So, at risk at keeping Nick awake for yet another night, I feel I should just put it on the table.  Because I am considerate like that.

1.  I think God gave us our unique body shape so we can fit perfectly into the arms of those we love.
2.  I really like the word copious.  Not quite as much as paramecium, but enough to want to say it.  A lot.
3.  Some people always have an agenda. 
4.  Kids who are spoiled lose cute points, through no fault of their own.
5.  I have a cat with special needs.  Her name is Stilts.  Don't judge.
6.  People who congratulate others only when other people are looking are, by far, the most disingenuous.
7.  If you have expectations, you will always be let down. 
8.  Signs, signs, everywhere a sign.  Blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind.
9.  You can know someone your whole life and never real know who they are.  You can know someone  minutes and know immediately they belong with your soul.
10.  I think that bathing suits are dumb.
11.  If you are really good at something, the world will see it.  If you have to tell people, you probably really suck.

I feel much better. 

You're about to what?!?

On the way home from a family dinner at the Longhorn (yeehaw!), the White Chariot of Mayhem is bustling with activity - as always.  For those of you who don't know, the WCM is my term of endearment for my van.

Anyhoot - Maddie and Bella are in the far back giggling and saying silly things, singing and goofing off, and Roman is the the middle row shrieking and growling, making random post-dinner baby sounds.  Nick and are chit-chatting and the radio is on in the background.  The car is full of noise. 

And, then it happens.  You know, that phenomenon where all of sudden all conversation stops simultaneously.  And, in a fleeting moment there is a hum of silence.  It is a split second - possibly a couple of seconds of sudden stillness which is quickly interrupted by a tiny 8-year old voice that says, "I'm....about....to....fart*."  Say wha???

Nick and I are immediately brought to silent rolling laughter.  I have to slow the car down to a near stop because the tears in my eyes from laughing are obstructing my view.  And, then, as if it couldn't get any funnier a little 3-year old voice pipes up, all Beavis and Butthead style, "fart."   "Fart!"   "FART!" 

Oh my gosh.  Thank God she didn't actually follow through, but dang!  That was some funny stuff.

*DISCLAIMER:  Yes, my kids said fart.  So do yours.  Get over it.

Telling the Story

A lot of parents (and kids) are celebrating the end of the school year today – kindergarten graduations, moving on to college, or just making it through another academic year. I join this group amazed at how time has flown and finding it hard to believe that I have a daughter just days of 8 years old and a soon-to-be third grader. In academia, the progression through elementary school is an ordinary event, but for me I am celebrating a monumental achievement for my daughter, Isabella.

Unlike the other children in her school, Isabella has overcome an incredible obstacle. This was her first full year in a “main stream” classroom, as she was diagnosed with autism when she was five. After half a year of home-schooling and a full year of specialized training in a charter school devoted to children with autism – not to mention countless hours of therapy, dietary and medical intervention - she returned for second grade at the most amazing school on the planet, Holy Cross Lutheran Academy.

I was full of reservations and fear of how Isabella would adjust, not nearly as confident in my daughter's ability as I should have been. After all, it was just a few short years ago that Isabella was lost in her own body – unable to cope, severely delayed in language and speech, and unable to connect with those around her. I worried that children would see her “weakness” and make fun of her or she would struggle academically and it would just be too much for her to handle -emotionally, physically, and academically. I worried that Isabella would be a burden to her teacher and a disruption to the classroom. The sad truth is that she had been all of this in the past and I was reluctant to let go of that hurt and disappointment

At the beginning of the year, however, I did something I have never fully done before. I turned it over to God. I'm a control freak, so this has never been easy - this occasion was no exception. Truth is, I have always wanted God to help me do it MY way, not HIS way. But, in September at the Teacher's Commissioning at church I sat quietly and prayed for her teacher, Mrs. Fera, and for Isabella. Never before have I wanted something more badly, needed something so desperately, than for my daughter to succeed. So, I opened my heart and listened. And, then I just said, “here it is, Lord. She is yours. You brought us here. You lead. I will follow.” Without question, I knew that day God had heard my prayers.

At Easter, I turned one more thing over to Jesus. Reflecting, I felt like I had been mourning the death of my daughter's dreams because of autism. But, in reality, it was MY dreams I had for my child – not Isabella's. Her dreams are very much alive! I asked Him to cleanse my heart and to show me the daughter who IS, not the daughter who could have been. And, Isabella has emerged. It is no coincidence that Isabella is now an engaged 7-year old, chock full of attitude and excitement, quirkiness and brilliance, drive and determination, funny and smart, able and willing and FULL of God's love and grace. As I write this, I am overcome with emotion because she is my miracle, God's miracle, and I am so thankful for and proud of her.

In some of my hardest, darkest moments, I struggled with faith. When I was hurting for my Isabella and wondering what her future had in store for her, letting go seemed so unnatural. But, believing and trusting in God that He has a plan for ALL of us, even if it doesn't make sense at the time was the only thing left to do. I never imagined three years ago, Isabella would have accomplished such big things and overcome such enormous obstacles. At one time, I was terrified to look into tomorrow. But, now I am so excited to see her future unfold. She defies the odds – she is a miracle.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11